Entering the Promised Land

Chapter 4

Those long months turned into a year and I was officially labelled infertile. By then, I had begun seeking fertility treatments. Three rounds of clomid didn’t do the trick, so my fertility specialist doubled the dose and gave it another three rounds. What often causes many women conceive twins and even triplets didn’t work for me either; nothing was working.

I had finally received a diagnosis of a scar tissue being built up in my uterus, a condition called Asherman’s Syndrome which occurred most likely from the miscarriage. This meant that if I ever did become pregnant, the chances of survival in the baby would be about 20%. Now, in addition to the obstacle I faced of even potentially becoming pregnant, I was told that the scar tissue would most likely grow back and would be detrimental to the pregnancy. This news was absolutely devastating to me. It meant the loss of my first baby caused me to not ever be able to have any other children of my own. I began to mourn the loss of ever being able to carry my own children.

A week after the diagnosis, I met with my fertility specialist who went over everything with me. She assured me that I had, in fact, been misdiagnosed. My uterus was misshapen and a simple surgical procedure would fix it.

“My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth, Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed…” Psalm 139-15,16

On month later, I had the surgery. Everything went smoothly and I was given a follow-up ultrasound to see how my uterus looked after the surgery. During the ultrasound the tech pointed out a tiny egg “looks like your ovulating.” she said.

I prayed for that little egg. I asked God to create life out of the egg I was able to witness with my very own eyes. Another nine days had passed when I got the courage to take a pregnancy test. Please, Jesus, let this be the month. I finally looked down at it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. As I peered closer, I saw what I had been begging God to see for over a year, a (faint) line! My eyes became misty as I shook in unbelief “Thank You, Jesus.”


The One Who Didn’t Deserve It

Chapter 3

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15

One day, as I was stuck at a light a few blocks away from my house I saw something that caught my eye. It was a woman with messy, half-bleached hair standing at the bus stop. Through her faded, baggy sweatshirt, I could see that she was about five months pregnant. She looked over and seemed to glare at me as she lit a cigarette that was loosely hanging out of her mouth. My heart sank deep within me for the baby she was carrying, and for myself. Why would God allow her to get pregnant and not me?

From then on out, I would see this woman fairly regularly at the bus stop. Her pregnancy progressed but her addiction to cigarettes never seemed to end. It was a scene that brought such deep agony into the depths of my being. I remember asking the Lord “Why do You allow these women to become pregnant and not me? Don’t You know how much more I would care for a baby than this woman?”

I never received an answer from God except that it was proof that He hadn’t stopped moving. He was still the giver of life, even if it wasn’t for me. He still allowed the miracle of conception to take place in this woman at the bus stop and many other women I encountered. Slowly but surely my anger toward this woman turned into empathy. I began to pray for her, and pray for her baby. I began thanking God that He still gives life regardless of our actions. I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to her and that her child would also come to know Him.

Through the anger and sorrow that this season brought, God was humbling me and changing me. I began to rejoice with those who didn’t have to go through losing a baby like I did, and instead of being jealous of others, I became happy for them. I learned that my life wasn’t about the things I lacked, but rather what I could gain through a deep and personal relationship with Jesus. I probably would have never noticed this woman at the bus stop had my life gone a different route. And, if I did notice her, I wouldn’t have been so moved to pray for her.

Losing My Religion

Chapter 2

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus replied: Neither this man nor his parents sinned” But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” John 9:3

I struggled a lot with guilt from the miscarriage. I wondered about the days I forgot to take my prenatals, or the load of laundry I should have asked my husband to carry. The circumstantial guilt later evolved into spiritual guilt. What if my sin caused me to lose this baby?

I began to read my bible more and pray more as if God would see me and reward me. I tiptoed around, trying not to sin as if my ‘righteous’ acts would cause me to become pregnant with a healthy baby.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

“No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” I quoted to a close friend of ours. I continued “I am not struggling with any sins, so His word says that He won’t withhold any good thing from me.” TJ stopped me in my tracks “You have it all wrong, Kelli.” he said kindly but out of rebuke. “Our righteousness isn’t based off of our deeds. It was based off of Jesus’s death on the cross. When He shed His innocent blood, it was then that we could be considered blameless and we we’re given the ability to walk uprightly.” In that moment, my eyes were opened. My artificial acts of righteousness weren’t what defined my blamelessness, it was Jesus who defined that by dying on the cross. When I accepted Jesus into my heart, I became righteous. It didn’t come and go on days I might have sinned more or less. It was then that I re-read the verse “No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly”. Instead of focusing on whether or not I was walking uprightly, I focused on the good things. This verse told me that I wasn’t being withheld from any good things at that point in my life. So maybe in that season, a baby wouldn’t have been a good thing for me because God was focusing on other good things that He was working in me.

He Must Love Me

Chapter 1

“He chastens those whom He loves” Hebrews 12:6

I gasped for air in utter shock and disbelief at what had just taken place. My hands gripped my mouth as if I could hold my anguish captive. I looked down and gazed in horror at puddle of blood that met with the water as it neared the shower drain.  At ten weeks into my first pregnancy, I had just lost my first baby. Why God, what have You done?

My husband and I were young and had been married almost two years by the time I got pregnant with our first child. It was exciting and new, it felt as though we were truly becoming a family. We both downloaded apps on our phones and watched our baby grow. One week, our baby was the size of a blueberry, the next a raspberry, and so on. We dreamed of what our child would look like; whether we’d have a boy or a girl first, and what this child’s personality would be like. But in a quick moment, all of those hopes had vanished.

I was pregnant along with three of our close friends and even shared the same due date with one of them. Their pregnancies all continued to progress, and it quickly became a haunting reminder of what could have been.

I fell victim of the loneliness and isolation that this grief had brought. Many close friends didn’t reach out to me and the reality is, that nobody seemed to know what to say. They were all pregnant and their babies were fine. What is there to say?

I felt so alone during that time and didn’t know of anyone who had lost a baby. I had no one who could hold my hand and cry with me as they remembered their own loss. Sometimes, God places us in circumstances where we are literally left alone with Him. While it felt so lonely and isolating, it was then that I began to grow.

Time went on and I was able to start trying again. I figured I would get pregnant right away and another pregnancy would help me heal from the baby we had lost. One month had passed, then another, and another. I’d find myself filled with hope as I realized I was late for my period only for my hopes to be quickly crushed as I gazed at the negative pregnancy test, hoping to see even the faintest of lines, I couldn’t make one out even if I tried.

Other friends were getting pregnant and staying pregnant no problem, but  what was wrong with me? I started becoming mad at God for not giving me another baby and began to wonder what I had done to deserve this.