Losing My Religion

Chapter 2

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus replied: Neither this man nor his parents sinned” But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” John 9:3

I struggled a lot with guilt from the miscarriage. I wondered about the days I forgot to take my prenatals, or the load of laundry I should have asked my husband to carry. The circumstantial guilt later evolved into spiritual guilt. What if my sin caused me to lose this baby?

I began to read my bible more and pray more as if God would see me and reward me. I tiptoed around, trying not to sin as if my ‘righteous’ acts would cause me to become pregnant with a healthy baby.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

“No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” I quoted to a close friend of ours. I continued “I am not struggling with any sins, so His word says that He won’t withhold any good thing from me.” TJ stopped me in my tracks “You have it all wrong, Kelli.” he said kindly but out of rebuke. “Our righteousness isn’t based off of our deeds. It was based off of Jesus’s death on the cross. When He shed His innocent blood, it was then that we could be considered blameless and we we’re given the ability to walk uprightly.” In that moment, my eyes were opened. My artificial acts of righteousness weren’t what defined my blamelessness, it was Jesus who defined that by dying on the cross. When I accepted Jesus into my heart, I became righteous. It didn’t come and go on days I might have sinned more or less. It was then that I re-read the verse “No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly”. Instead of focusing on whether or not I was walking uprightly, I focused on the good things. This verse told me that I wasn’t being withheld from any good things at that point in my life. So maybe in that season, a baby wouldn’t have been a good thing for me because God was focusing on other good things that He was working in me.


A devout Christian mom of three, I've felt led to write about my experiences of everything from miscarriages to infertility to being rescued by the Coast Guard. This blog was created to share my experiences of seeing God's hand upon my life and scriptures to go along with them.

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