“He chastens those whom He loves” Hebrews 12:6
I gasped for air in utter shock and disbelief at what had just taken place. My hands gripped my mouth as if I could hold my anguish captive. I looked down and gazed in horror at puddle of blood that met with the water as it neared the shower drain. At ten weeks into my first pregnancy, I had just lost my first baby. Why God, what have You done?
My husband and I were young and had been married almost two years by the time I got pregnant with our first child. It was exciting and new, it felt as though we were truly becoming a family. We both downloaded apps on our phones and watched our baby grow. One week, our baby was the size of a blueberry, the next a raspberry, and so on. We dreamed of what our child would look like; whether we’d have a boy or a girl first, and what this child’s personality would be like. But in a quick moment, all of those hopes had vanished.
I was pregnant along with three of our close friends and even shared the same due date with one of them. Their pregnancies all continued to progress, and it quickly became a haunting reminder of what could have been.
I fell victim of the loneliness and isolation that this grief had brought. Many close friends didn’t reach out to me and the reality is, that nobody seemed to know what to say. They were all pregnant and their babies were fine. What is there to say?
I felt so alone during that time and didn’t know of anyone who had lost a baby. I had no one who could hold my hand and cry with me as they remembered their own loss. Sometimes, God places us in circumstances where we are literally left alone with Him. While it felt so lonely and isolating, it was then that I began to grow.
Time went on and I was able to start trying again. I figured I would get pregnant right away and another pregnancy would help me heal from the baby we had lost. One month had passed, then another, and another. I’d find myself filled with hope as I realized I was late for my period only for my hopes to be quickly crushed as I gazed at the negative pregnancy test, hoping to see even the faintest of lines, I couldn’t make one out even if I tried.
Other friends were getting pregnant and staying pregnant no problem, but what was wrong with me? I started becoming mad at God for not giving me another baby and began to wonder what I had done to deserve this.